We went away for the weekend to visit with Doug's folks ("Grammy & Poppy") and with my sister's family (Gayle, Dan, Graham and Trevor). We had a great time. Grammy and Poppy have several pools in their neighborhood. In fact, one pool area is HUGE. There is a large pool with swimming lanes, one large pool with 5 mushroom fountains and is only 1 1/2 ft deep for the children, and the last pool has 2 water slides.

Because we don't have many opportunities to swim, we went to the pool each of the three days we were there. Doug and I got good use out of the slides and so did all four of the Holtons on Sunday. Audrey loves being in the water, but no matter how much of her stays in the water and how hot it is outside, she absolutely shivers the entire time - goosebumps, blue lips,& chattering teeth. She HATES water to be in her face. And forget about going under. Just forget it! We plugged her nose, covered her mouth and plunged her under while holding her  - just once. Needless to say, there was hysterical screaming as if she thought her once loved and trusted parents had just made a serious attack on her life. We try gingerly splashing water in her face as if it's an accident to just get her used to the idea, and she just loathes it. I think she might have to start a company making huge inflatable bugs for adults to sit in and arm floaties for adults, because I'm quite sure that as an adult, she'll still need them!

It was a good weekend, though. Audrey got to go on a walk, play tons of Hi-Ho-Cherry-O with Grammy and Poppy, watch the Jonah Veggie Tale, use sidewalk chalk, go to Holton's church, see Trevor's new guinea pig, etc. It was good.

Doug and I, on the other hand, wrapped up the weekend with full confirmation that we are indeed - OLD! Three days in a row of going to the pool sucked all life out of us and left us with aches, pain, and stiffness. Not to mention, looking at all the other folks wearing their swimsuits. Whom are we try to kid? I definitey look as though I've given birth to a child. Ok, lets not dwell on the fact that I birthed that child almost 4 years ago and still haven't dropped the weight. Doug and I were the two pastiest white grown-ups you ever saw. The glare coming off of us was quite impressive!

ADOPTION UPDATE

Our lawyer has been talking back and forth with the embryo donation center and with another lawyer from Chattanooga who helped draft the contracts the center uses. Apparently the doctor who runs the program is open to modifications in the contract, however, he's not being specific about what changes he will allow. So basically Doug and I have to sit down with our lawyer and write up a new contract. Then we have to send it on to the lawyer in Chattanooga to go over it with the doctor to see if they are comfortable with the changes.

There are a few catches to that. One being that we are doing this all paying our lawyer $250/hr. Second catch, we'd have to pay the other lawyer to review the changes our lawyer made. The third catch is that we could pay two lawyers to redraft the contract and the doctor could dislike our amendments and we'd be back to the drawing board!

So, does this mean we are or are not going to move on? That is a good question. We don't exactly have an answer to that yet. It's obviously a huge letdown to hear about how much money this might cost us. Granted, it's still much less money than an overseas adoption. But, anything over $5000 is a whole heap more money than we have.

All along the way, Doug and I must stop and evaluate things to know if we should proceed. Just because something takes a turn and a new circumstance presents itself, we shouldn't be feeling out the emotion the circumstance creates to determine it as an obvious "closed" or "open door". Many folks, when hit with trial after trial, assume that God is closing a door and mistake their frustration as a lack a peace. And then say, "because I don't feel peace, God obviously doesn't want me to do that."

Well, sometimes God bring trials into our lives that really don't feel all that enjoyable. In fact, sometimes those trials can feel so horrid. But the peace is found in the unchanging truths of God's Word and knowing that when there is obedience, God will enable us and provide. The peace is grounded and rooted in a knowledge that God is sovereign and things are not out of control.

So, it is possible that circumstances could keep changing and more roadblocks keep popping up threatening our moods. But we stop to evaluate if the new circumstances changes whether things are right and wrong; not whether they feel enjoyable or not. And no matter how often bad news comes, we check to make sure that we're holding to scriptural obedience and find our peace in our sovereign God. Peace that we're obeying, that God will keep His promises, and that the answers to our questions can be answered in the Bible. It could be that lots of bad news continues to come, but God wants us to move ahead despite the difficulties and the threats to our mood of happiness.

In order to know which road to go down, we often have to look at all the options and see which are right and wrong. And if we find a couple options that are equally good, we just pick and move on trusting God will reward us for our obedience. Sometimes, when Doug and I closely examine options, the things we are evaluating can really be tough to decipher. We know that we have a responsibility to our church. Right now, putting money into adoption means that we don't have the money to put towards buying a new house closer to our church. Being 40 minutes from church limits our ministry greatly. But, how imperative is it that we move and slow the growth of our family down in order to be closer to our church and better able to minister?

We also wrestle through our responsibilities with the family God has given us NOW. At times we wonder if putting emotion, energy, time, and money toward a second child takes away from the family we have now. This is super hard to measure. At times we just ask ourselves if we ought to chuck it all out the window and embrace the little family of 3 that we are and search out ways to grow, learn, minister, etc. At times I wonder if it's my selfish guilt causing me to think I am not providing more for Audrey, Or are those thoughts and feelings of guilt logically founded? And then I think, even while we have been searching out methods for gaining more children, going to doctors, taking medicines, and spending money on this, Audrey doesn't lack a thing. I am still maintaining all my responsibilities & providing for all her needs. And I think, mercy, trying to give her a sibling would be beneficial to her - giving her her own little ministry wrapped up in a baby!!

For Doug, he never had a lifelong dream to have a big family. So it's easier for him to just embrace having one child. He worries about me and my health so much and I'm such a priority to him, that he doesn't want a second child to in any way make me more tired or wear on me physically.

For me, a large family has always been my dream, something I planned and pined for. I am more willing to sacrifice some of my health and rest for more children. I can instantly see the joys children bring and envision all the lessons I could teach them. I see my fertility as a narrow window of time. Although I grow weary of my infertility always being an issue over the last several years, I can also see a time when I'll be old and I'll be able to look back at these years as being only for a time. It feels like this misery of being infertile will never end now that I'm experiencing it. But I'm not willing to end it all prematurely out of frustration and then look back when I'm old and wish I had put more effort into having more children.

I've long since abandoned dreams of a HUGE family. I know it's not reality nor is it wise to try to have 6+ kids. We all know my body is incapable of conceiving even 1 more. My strength and stamina could never care for many, many children. And there is no way we could ever afford to adopt that many on a single income.

I think, though, for now, my only goal is just to have a sibling for Audrey. I am in no way saying that God doesn't intend for some families to have 1 child. He does. But, right now, I see the benefits of a sibling for Audrey. I do know that if she remains an only child, God, Doug and I can teach her to become fully developed, wise, and obedient to God.  Even if she never has a sibling to be forced to learn life lessons with, she can be taught all she needs to know. But, I think she could learn a great deal by having to share with, care for, and live with a sibling. And the other child could learn so much from Audrey. I think Doug and I have plenty of ability left in us to properly raise another child. I think the effort needed to have a sibling for Audrey would really be worth it. And when I think of another child to raise to know and love God......well, it's almost too much to think of.......

In any case, all this to say that my main focus is to pour all that I can in the one child I do have! If my quiver is never full, I better stay busy making sure that my one arrow is super sharp and able to do the work of a  bundle of arrows! And, while we pray for wisdom, we trust that God can and will grant it to us. We remain resolute that we can be happy, that our marriage will be strong, and that Audrey will know of her Redeemer.