The Refiner's Fire

There burns a fire with sacred heat
White hot with holy flame
And all who dare pass through its blaze
Will not emerge the same
Some as bronze, some as silver,
Some as gold, then with great skill
All are hammered by their sufferings
On the anvil of His will

Chorus
The Refiner's fire
Has now become my soul desire
Purged and cleansed and purified
That the Lord be glorified
He is consuming my soul
Refining me, making me whole
No matter what I may lose
I choose the Refiner's fire

I'm learning now to trust His touch
To crave the fire's embrace
For though my past with sin was etched
His mercies did erase!
Each time His purging cleanses deeper
I'm not sure that I'll survive
Yet the strength in growing weaker
Keeps my hungry soul alive!

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2 Corinthians 11-12 tells of Paul's sufferings for Christ, his thorn in the flesh and how he marvels at God's grace. Paul lists so many horrible things that have happened to him - beatings, inprisonments, shipwrecks, robberies, hunger, sleeplessness, sin in the church, etc. Almost sounds like it's too bad to be true; as if there were no way one man could have endured so much.

In our modern culture so entrenched in  personal rights, self-esteem, and self-help psychology, we might expect Paul to admit he needs a therapist. Or maybe that he was overdue for a little R&R to regroup, spend some time on his own, and pamper himself, because after all, how could a person just give, give, give all the time. He needs to be "true to himself" and realize that he deserves better before he can really help others. Don't these thoughts go hand in hand with what our world constantly throws at us from every angle? We're inundated with these patterns of thinking so much even in the church, that if almost any present-day Christian were to have to deal with even a few of these trials, he would likely entertain ideas of throwing in the towel, feeling that life was more than a bit unfair we're entitled to a little break.

Paul makes a statement that stands in stark contrast to our world's ideals today. "I take pleasure in infirimites, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Wow. He begged for God to take away that thorn in his flesh. Instead of removing it, God gave him an abundant, constant source of grace. Christ brought all these struggles to humble Paul. Paul's struggles allowed Christ to shine through. He was willing to be made weaker and weaker so that the power of Christ could shine brighter and brighter.

So the question is how do I endure my struggles? Lately, I feel overwhelmed in struggles: I grow tired of being tired and sick all the time; I grow weary of surgeries and their slow recoveries. Instead of having a wealth of support and visits from friends and church, I go weeks without seeing anyone but Doug, Audrey and Sadie. I cannot have more children. I am gripped with fear over our embryo adoption because of decisions, lack of money, and the idea that it might all result in no baby. Doug is unhappy with his job and doesn't know what to do about getting a different job. We'd like to move but we lack the money and the know-how to fix up our house that is falling apart; etc.

Do I fight against the workings of God in my life? Do I question why He's doing this? Do I dwell on the pain? Do I wish that people would just give me a break?

I think I often fall into 2 of 3 categories - I either hate my struggles and wish they were different or I recognize that God is sovereign and just endure quietly. The third category I don't often fall into (but wish I did) is that of the song: that I choose, and even desire, the Lord's firing of my soul.

It's a constant wrestle between what I live out and what I want to live out. I say (probably in pride) that I desire God to drag me through the dark and dirty trenches to humble me and show the world His awesome love, grace, and sovereignty. But I look at my choices and my habits and see they, more often than not, tell a story of  a sheep who is trying to be led to safety by its Shepherd's goad but instead kicks against it, defiantly bleating as it desires to head toward the grass that looks so lush on the jagged cliff.

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UPDATE

Knoxville weather has been so unusual this year. It's severly dry here. After weeks of super unusual warmth, this week we threaten to break records with the freezing temps. We can get some pretty unusual weather, but I sure love the springs and falls here. The past several weeks have been full of dafodils, tulips, dogwood trees, birds singing, and light breezes. It's gorgeous!

Audrey has been asking to go to Hawaii! Not sure what's up with that. We've tried to explain to her that a trip to Hawaii isn't in our foreseeable future! While I was recovering from surgery, she had a lovely 9 day trip to Atlanta and shared her time between my sister's (Gayle) family and Doug's folks. She especially loves being with cousins. Graham and Trevor are growing into little men it would seem already. I think they just cannot see Audrey with such adoring eyes as Audrey sees them!! She dreams of vacations that must include cousins, aunts, and uncles!! She loves playmates and folks to talk to her!

Doug's been busy working on our church's website. He is doing an amazing job! Often he gets down on himself for not being a designer and knowing how to make super cool looking things super fast. But he does do great work and has a pretty good eye for stuff like that. And hey, you can't be good at everything! (Although, I think he comes pretty close!)

We're moving along with the embryo adoption. We applied to the program. Doug and I have some bloodwork we need to complete. Soon, we'll get going on a homestudy. We're working through some tough decisions we need to make regarding open and closed adoption. We need to commit it all to paperwork so the ball can continue to roll. We've always had ideas of how we'd want an adoption to go and had our own preferences; however, actually making it legally binding and knowing it will govern a real live person is a whole lot different! For obvious reasons, we want to make sure our decisions are very well thought out, biblical, practical, and account for all known possibilities. This is a challenge! It's hard to not make decisions out of fear.

Being more proactive now about the adoption has made the two of us more excited about the real possibility of having a second child. We are even more excited about having child #2! We're excited to see how God will work and we're excited that in a world of pervasive sinful attitudes and actions toward unborn children, we are working hard to save a life (or 2!). The downside to our journey through this paperwork, is having to deal with the fear that we may spend much money, time and energy into something that would result in no baby. It's a scary reality. But we must not be motivated by fear, but by God's grace and promises, principles in His Word, determination to seek wise counsel, and HARD work!