It’s been a while since we have sent out a good update to everyone. Doug has been working on fixing our website and making it easier for me to leave posts. I’m sure folks have long since abandoned checking our site frequently due to our poor upkeep on it! Sorry about that. But, we have high aspirations for keeping it updated for our friends and family. And of course, we always hope that our site will be a clear representation of our God and His Word. We’ve actually had people stumble across our site when searching the web for infertility info and sent us messages. We want our story to show people the truth if they’re out there in cyberspace trying to cope with a big trial.
Looking back at our wedding
Doug and I watched our wedding on video last week. It was so fun to look back on that day. So many memories. SO many changes in people - in the way the look and the course of their lives. SO many loved ones have passed away. Some folks have sadly strayed from God. And so many new family members. Since our wedding, I have Tiffany, a sister-in-law, and 6 nieces and nephews. Some pretty good additions, let me tell you. We saw Papa, which was fun, as Audrey has heard so much of him her entire life and never got to mete him. We saw Graham, my nephew, as a way too cute toddler. Just wished I could kiss his little cheeks right through the TV. Audrey asked lots of questions about why she wasn't there. She'll learn more about that later I suppose!!!
Nana and "Papa David"
It's truly a privilege for a granddaughter and a great-granddaughter to witness their grandma's wedding. Audrey calls my grandma, "Nana". My grandfather (whom I affectionately called "Crappa") was called by all the great-grand children as "Papa". He's been away from us for several years now. Unfortunately he passed away while I was pregnant and Audrey never got to meet him. (Little insert here: You should read some old posts about Grandpa Berry to know a bit of why he was so amazing).
Well, a year or so ago, Grandma became great friends with a man named David. I am so glad to announce, that he is now a permanent part of the whole family! Audrey now calls him "Papa David". Their wedding was Jan 13 in Soddy Daisy, TN. My uncle performed the ceremony and just the close family attended. It was just so wonderful. How amazing to see my grandmother, so faithful to God for so many years, now find herself with a new husband to serve the Lord with. To watch them court was really quite special. So much wisdom in older folks that us dumb kids lacked when we went through the courting process. I'm just so grateful for a godly heritage. And I'm so thankful to God for keeping my Grandma all these years. She's just so fun, so wise, and energetic, and sweet. If you don't know her, trust me, you should! And trust me, she'd want to get to know you, and invite you into her house, make you some coffee, and tell you all about God. She is just that special to me.
I'm thrilled she has a new helpmeet! They speak of each other so highly and about their ministries, it just can't help but inspire you to be just that spunky at that age. We look forward to learning and loving Papa David much more. If he snagged my grandma, I know I'll love him too.
Audrey sure loves Nana. Just the other day when we were having a lesson with Audrey on how to act appropriately with elderly people, sick and/or disabled people, etc, I asked her to think of some people in her life that were like that. She never mentioned Nana. When I asked her if Nana was older and didn't have much energy and strength, Audrey was quick to argue back. She said Nana can play with playdough, take her on long walks, pick her up, and that Nana was ...FUN!!
Fertility Update
We last were telling folks around Thanksgiving about our last round of fertility treatments, what outlook the doctors had for us, and what options were available to us. I’m sure by now, most of you have assumed that no news is bad news. We are sad to confirm that fact - that all the money spent, appointments made, and shots endured, that I couldn’t get pregnant. In November, our doctor encouraged us to seek out InVitro or adoption. This has been no doubt hard to swallow! Christmas proved to be a bit emotional as we were surrounded with nieces and nephews filling our house with much excitement as we often gazed upon the lonely stocking hanging from our mantle. Audrey has been lonely since Christmas and has been begging for some playmates, which seems to twist the knife into our hearts deeper. We made a decision to part with all of Audrey clothes. Working to be generous was difficult and tearful, but we hope it blesses those who received all our treasures.
We are currently looking into embryo adoption and have an appointment with another fertility doctor March 15. This program is newly founded and somewhat small. We are grateful that the largest embryo donation/adoption facility is right here in our own town. Because we have that advantage, we decided to meet with the doctor and talk with him in person to get a second opinion about my problems and see if he has any insight to give us. The first move going into this is getting a home study by someone who actually recognizes embryo adoption and paying a few hundred dollars as part of an application fee. This process could take a while as we wait for the biological parents to read our autobiography, chose us, and then move their embryos to Knoxville if they live elsewhere in the country.
We are not 100% sure that this is the option we will do. But, we’re trying to become more informed and do any preliminary work we can do. In the meantime, things have been …….rough. Since Christmas I have had many, very sick days. Most days have been difficult to even get out of bed. I have missed church a bunch. I’ve needed lots of help from mom and dad. And it’s been lonely. I couldn’t be more thankful for my parents who do a fabulous job helping us with their tender, generous hearts. And of course, for my friend Jeanelle. She may be far away in MI, but her calls, cards, gifts, and friendship have been so refreshing. As she is now expecting her first baby I can only hope I can refresh her as she refreshes me! Between my folks and Jeanelle, they are often the only contact I have with the outside world for weeks!
Feeling "punky" (as my mom puts it)
One doctor thought perhaps I had mono. I do not; however much of what is going on is unknown, resulting in much frustration!!!! I did see my fertility specialist on Tuesday. He was pretty concerned about me. He recommended to us that I have a hysterectomy. He said as my doctor, that is medically speaking, my best choice. As a 29 year old who is a long way off from a desired large family, it’s just not a whole heap of fun to hear! Doug has been a part of this rough road since before we were even married. While engaged he was already there with me in the hospital and we have know for many years that more than likely I’d need a hysterectomy before turning 30. In my efforts to have children and avoid this final act, I’ve had 5 surgeries just trying to repair things and maintain some level of health and hope. So, Doug and I quickly reached the decision that this is what we’ll continue to do and not have the recommended hysterectomy. We still trust that God could create life in this wrecked body and think that at my age, if I can avoid this hysterectomy for a while longer, we should. So, March 2, I will have my 6th surgery! We look to this with mixed emotion. Surgery offers some relief to my pain and fatigue, but recoveries can be brutal. And, until surgery day, we expect the interim time to be much of the same of what I’m doing—feeling yucky in bed or on the couch!
PRAYER - You should do it often!
How can you pray? So glad you asked!! Because we’ll be the first to admit we need it. Even Audrey will tell you. She is a perceptive little gal, eager to help her momma and sometimes too eager to tell folks our sad story! She told mom the other night how momma just kept crying and crying and crying, and daddy kept trying to talk to her but still momma just doesn’t do anything but cry. LOVELY! She was playing house the other day with her little dolls and said the momma belongs in the bed because she never feels good. Again, she has a way of cutting me to the heart sometimes! But really, we need prayer. This is a great opportunity to teach Audrey contentment, how to care for sick folks, and about how God fearfully and wonderfully makes us!
Doug needs wisdom as he tries to maintain his job and his family. It’s hard to get into the office sometimes and too hard to keep his mind on the job, when he is concerned about what is going on with his wife. I need wisdom to discern when he absolutely needs to stay home and when I can get by without him. We want to be more a part of our church and ministering to others. We want to be consistent with disciplining and teaching Audrey. When sick, it’s very easy to be inconsistent and yell out threats from the couch rather than to get up and discipline in the teachable moment. Doug and I need contentment. It’s difficult to see others getting pregnant and second guess why God has presented us with this trial. Sometimes I can get carried away with worry – about how we’re going to pay the medical bills and buy ourselves some children! I can worry about what is wrong with me. And I can struggle with self-indulgent guilt. Guilt that I cannot give my husband a peppier, healthy wife, my child a super fun mom, my parents a daughter that doesn’t ask for some much help so they can make more progress on their building project. I hate that I put Doug in a bind at his job and sometimes prevent my family from going to church. I hate that I cost my family so much.
Please pray. Not necessarily that God will give us children. Pray according to His will that we’d learn what we ought and obey as we should. Pray that everyday we remember what our Savior has done for us and that we deserve death. But because of His love and mercy, our existence is sustained by His grace. Pray that that grace would motivate us to work hard to obey and trust Him to make us more holy! He has fearfully and wonderfully made me and planned all this for my good. He fashioned Doug and I for each other and I need not fret about “strife” I think I bring to his life; but rather, to bask in the joy that Doug gives me as he helps me better live this life for Christ. Pray we make good decisions. Pray that we’d not be lonely. Pray we’d be able to find a way to reach out and minister to folks we don’t even know yet at our church. Pray that our marriage would continue to be strong and a good representation of Christ and the church so we’d be able to share the gospel with Audrey and with others.