I've been having a few rough months and have spent some time purposefully avoiding our website. I knew if I sat down to type, the topic would be about all my struggles - topics that sound depressing and wouldn't really encourage my heart. The last few days I have been working SO hard to be happy and not worry. I sat down today during Audrey’s nap to reread many of our old posts on the site and reminisce about our old fertility troubles, God's work in our lives, and the gift Audrey has been in our lives. You see, not being able to conceive again is a potentially devastating state to be in. If I'm not vigilant about counting my blessings, I can slip into a selfish state of numbering my troubles. I remember years back really thinking that I had come to understand how to trust God for my future and my family, and yet it's so easy to fall when temptation comes knocking.

Doug and I have been trying for a few years again to have a baby. Audrey turned 3 July10 and I really wanted another child by now. I could have focused on the blessing that Audrey is and what an answer to prayer she was, but instead I allowed my mind to dwell on the fact that years have gone by without another child. We just recently finished up another round of infertility treatments that were part of the plan the doctor laid out. Another failed attempt, moves us onto another phase, a phase that seems to make it all seem even more impossible and unlikely that we will have another baby. We just finished shelling out a ton of money, only to realize, we're going to have to shell out much, much more very soon. I struggle more this time around with each month's failure to not only mean no baby, but that endometriosis is only growing more abundant inside me. It's very easy to be fearful, discouraged and desperate.

I’ve been trying to start a bunch of research on adoption, but the longer I look and read, the more I think that it's too expensive and too unattainable. As Audrey gets older I see that if we did have another child, there would be such an age gap between the two, that they wouldn't play together. As I get older, I think I'm just getting closer and closer to that age of needed a hysterectomy. As Doug and I both get older, we approach the age that some adoption agencies won't accept. I convince myself that we're running out of time and that it's all up to me to figure it out, make it happen, etc. I take all the focus off of the fact that God creates life and trust in myself.

It would seem that each day brings its own temptations. And son of a gun, I'm just weak and sinful enough to fall into those sins so many times. Many days I'm content enough just to survive amidst the uncertainty and fear. And other days I'm down right looking for ways to doubt, I think. And then there are days that I confess my horrid attitude of rebellion, pride, doubt, and worry and go the extra mile to thank God for the place I'm at right now. That is what I need to do. I want to have that desire to work hard - if you know what I mean. I want at every minute to recall God's promises and His character. I want to recall what life was like without any children and just be thankful for the one I have and not the second one that I don't have. I want to praise Him for this perfect plan that He's designed for my best interested. I want to stop these vain reasonings I entertain myself with, like maybe somehow I really know what God is up to!? Come on. I mean really, what a waste of time to think - well, maybe God's wants us first to do this.....,or perhaps I'm not good enough to..... blah, blah, blah. Who am I to know how God works? I need to be focused on obedience because He demands it and deserves it, not because if I do, maybe then He'll see I'm worthy and bless us with a child.

Isn't it just like a sinner to forget all His blessings to us? Isn't it just like our flesh to not apply His grace to our everyday life? If I were to submerse myself in the gospel and remind myself of what He did for me everyday, perhaps then I would stop living according to my works and live according to my faith - the faith that saves me. You see, I’m admittedly, a worrier. Yes, a sinner. I know worry is wrong. I know it’s a lack of faith, discontentment, and selfish to want things to work out my way. A few years back I set out very methodically to banish this sin from my life. Now, when I’m faced with a major trial, I feel that struggle to worry so strongly. I wish I could say that it’s completely vanished from my life, but it has gotten better. However, the odd thing is, now I assess each day based on my amount of worry and either feel really proud of my lack of worry or really guilty and defeated at my yielding to that sin. And sometimes, on days that I worry, I actually entertain ideas that perhaps God’s reasoning for not allowing us to conceive is to teach me about my sin. And on days that I can relish in God’s blessings, pray frequently and actively work at not worrying, then I wonder if he’ll decide to get me pregnant. I’m so dumb. Even in my desire to boot the worry, I fall into another sin thinking that God’s blessings are somehow based on my performance. How proud of me to think that even my best attempts at obedience and pleasing Him are still so filthy and tainted by all my other sins. I neglect to remind myself that God does not save me because of my works, but because of my faith. I am a sinner, and yet a saint, because I’m in Christ. I should be looking at Christ alone – not in addition to my “good works” – for blessings. If I am saved by grace, then I should live by grace. Galatians 3:24 reminds me that the law taught me about my sin and brought me to Christ, so I’d ultimately be justified by faith! Hebrews 9:12-14 again remind me that it is only Christ’s work on the cross that can keep me from that frustration I have of trying to earn His favor. Trusting Him and relying on myself cannot happen at the same time. I must preach the gospel to myself everyday and remind myself of truth – that I’m always unworthy on my own and am always needing Him. ALWAYS – whether I think I’m defeating my worry or not, or whether I have another baby or not!!

So here I’ve been opening my heart and sharing my struggles to so many who maybe reading this. It’s a little embarrassing to think now that so many people may know my faults, but I guess I don’t care. I’d probably do myself more good if I confessed even more sins! And it’s especially good if folks out there read this and help me – encourage me, remind me of TRUTH, and pray for me.

As I sort of wrap this section up, I should let you know that we are now finished with one month of a new fertility treatment. We’ve been ordering medicine from overseas (to get it more cheaply), and Doug has been administering the meds to me via a shot! Yes, I’m serious. I seriously wondered if Douggie could give me shots in my hip each night. And yes, I know now, that he can! I get sweaty palms and he laughs a lot. But, we did it!! It was a rather miserable experience. My hips were so sore I could hardly touch them – even carry a purse for fear it’d brush up against my bruised hips. The medications made me feel pretty anxious, nauseas, and really tired. While on the medication, I have many doctor’s appointments for bloodwork, ultrasounds, inseminations, etc. For this month, now, the waiting game begins. We’ll know something in about a week. It’s a very hard battle to be hopeful and not cynical.
We have been praying each night with Audrey about a baby. She has been very persistent with requests for a baby brother or baby sister, and sometimes even both!! We have explained much to her and I think having to answer her frequently is a good way to keep myself focused on the fact that God creates life and He knows if and when it’ll be best for our home. So each night we pray that although we’d like a baby, ’God, most importantly keep us content even if we do not have a second child and keep us thrilled with the one we have!!’ Audrey, I think, has this concept down better than we!!

Audrey is extremely precocious these days. Well, I guess always has been. She’s still super talkative and adores books. She talks to anyone and everyone all the time. Yesterday, she was entertaining a bunch of employees at the grocery store while I was checking out. The manager thought she was so hysterical, he reached in his pocket and handed her 27 cents. The girl’s already earning an income for being a comedian. Audrey loves our church an awful lot and begs us throughout the week to go to church even more!! AMEN! She is really stoked that my folks just moved about a mile down the road. She thinks we ought to see them everyday. Audrey loves to sing. She asks me frequently if she can make up a song about something in her life and dance to it. So she’ll proceed to the tile floor and go on and on with a hysterical song about what she had for lunch, our plans for the evening, etc. She learned her lowercase letters about a month ago. It took about 1 hour and she got them all down and they are there to stay!