Busy, Busy, Busy!
Well, we're losers -- at least as far as updating our site goes. I am not really sure what our problem is. My days are full of housework, taking care of Audrey and of course, trying to catch a nap when she's napping! In the evenings, Doug and I seems so busy. He's been working on my brother Craig's church's web site and doing yard work, and fixing people's computers. In the evenings we go to the store together. That's always nice to have hubby with me to shop. My back is so bad these days, that I need him to lift items into the car. Our washing machine has been broken for a few weeks. Perfect timing now that we have a pooping, spitting-up little machine!! So many evenings are busy with going over to Doug's folks' house to use their machine.
Audrey is doing well. Last Thursday, the 11th, was her 2 month check-up. She weighed in at a whopping 11lbs, 13 oz. She got her immunizations with minimal crying on her's, Doug's and my accounts!! She was a little ornery, but pretty good. She recently got over pink eye. Audrey has been struggling with Reflux. It's not so bad that it's causing her to lose weight, but definitely bad enough to make her fairly uncomfortable. She spits up frequently in pretty large amounts. She also spits up and swallows it causing her throat to be sore and swollen. My favorite is the projectile vomiting -- especially all in my bed when it's time to go to church (Remember, too, we have no washing machine)! But, that's another story.
Our First Big Scare
We had our first big scare and trip to the ER. I'm actually really proud of Doug and myself. We were so calm and tear-free! One night Audrey breathed in a bunch of milk and was having a very difficult time breathing. We called the doctor and they sent us over to the ER. It was 12:30 am and the start of a LONG night. Audrey was put on a heart monitor for 2 1/2 weeks while she slept to monitor her breathing in the event she aspirated milk in her sleep. We've spent a great deal of time in prayer, and God has kept her safe and healthy. Because of our confidence in God's constant care, we are able to have peace. Audrey is on some medication and, provided she shows marked improvement, we will not have to run any major tests on her.
Getting to Know our New Daughter
Audrey is so fun! She has changed our lives so significantly. The moment she was born, we were filled with instant love. It's amazing to watch her little personality develop. She smiles so much, coos, squeals, and loves to stare at people. She is a very active, alert baby. She does have a very stubborn, independent side to her that we saw in the womb. All the doctors, nurses, and ultrasound technicians predicted that she would be exactly this way. Audrey still loves her hands so much. They are always in her face. Her swing is the greatest thing in the world. She could sit there ALL day long. She loves to be in my sling close to my chest while I shop. She enjoys taking baths. She hates pacifiers.
Many of you may be curious as to my little experiment I conducted with her in the womb. Everyday I sang to her the same song while she was growing inside. It was a success, to say the least. From day 1, she recognized that song and would instantly calm down. I sing the song to her all the time when she's upset and when we are cuddling. Singing this song to her has been one of the most amazing, special, and bonding things between her and me.
It's wild how quickly these last 9 1/2 weeks have gone by. Already I miss her being an itty-bitty baby. Oh, I love how responsive she is to me and I'm excited for the future - talking, walking, hugs and kisses, etc. But, I'll be honest, sometimes I see how different she is week to week and I just bawl. In no time she won't be all cuddly and want to be held. In no time she'll be talking back and saying NO. In no time, I'll have to punish her and make her sad. In no time, she'll be off to school. It's crazy that I'm sad about something that won't even happen for years, isn't it?! But I just love her so much that I wish I could freeze frame so many times in her life and not let go of them. When I think of my childhood and how I HATED school, I fear that she'll have the same feelings. If I knew she hated school half as much as I hated it, it would break my heart. I think about other kids making fun of her and I hate it. But, I guess, it's all about having kids!
Our Biggest Concern...and Hope
I think, most of all, I ponder how and when she'll know God. It's all up to Doug and me to show her who He is. I want her to love Him so much and give her life to Him so young in life. I want her know an awesome relationship with God when she's young so that she will not have regrets and so that she may experience joy. It's such a daunting task to think that I am responsible for living a life that reflects who God is in a way that would make God seem worthy of living her life for Him. You know? I want her to know God intimately and obey Him so whole-heartedly that she avoids the pain and sin I get myself into. It's hard to fathom that my main responsibility directly impacts her soul for all eternity. It's a sobering reality that both excites and terrifies me.
People might think me strange, but I miss being pregnant. Oh, I know it was a horrid pregnancy, but hear me out. No matter how poorly I felt each day, there was an excitement, an anticipation of what was to come. Each time I puked, even if it was 15+ times a day, I remembered I was pregnant - something I thought was impossible. Each kick I felt inside was so miraculous. It was awesome knowing my daughter was always with me. I loved the changes (ok, not ALL the changes) in my body that God had made. Truly, the conception and growth of a baby in the womb is one of God's greatest designs. I just don't know how anyone can look at a pregnant woman and deny the existence and activeness of God. Each change that occurred in my body made me acutely aware of God's work in my life -- a work no doctor, no clomid (chlomid), no drugs, no infertility treatments, no deserving work I had done- could bring this miracle about. Only God!! I loved having people come up to me all the time noticing my belly and asking me questions. It was an opportunity to share my story and remember God's gift to such an undeserving woman!
Having Audrey now makes me look into Doug's and my future with other children. I'm not sure if we'll ever have another child. For certain, we'd love to have more children. We can only speculate as to whether I'll ever be able to conceive and/or ever carry a child again. Just as if we had never had one child, we leave the decision in God's hands and desire to be accepting and even joyful of whatever He allows. God surely didn't owe me any children. I feel hugely blessed to have one child. I do not want to ever be upset that I only have one. God can definitely make me to find all my fulfillment in having just Audrey. However, having a baby now opens my eyes to how great a child is and how I'd love more. I pray that if God doesn't not give us more children, that I will have the right response to His sovereign decision. I do not want to be bitter. I do not want to miss out on the joy of having Audrey. I do not want to be someone who refuses to hold another baby because the pain is overwhelming. God owes me nothing. I want to choose the right attitude -- an attitude that says, despite being in a room of babies all wanting to be in my arms, I am content knowing God knows best. I must always remember that having Audrey is more that enough. I want to always be able to say, "I choose and enjoy God's choice to deny me children because He knows that is what is best for me!"