Well, in less than 24 hours I will more than likely be holding my new little baby daughter. One might find it a little odd that I'm sitting here typing up a post for our site. The truth is I've been running around this house like a sporadically blubbering lunatic these last few days. I have 7 lists on the island - to-do lists, what to pack for the hospital list, meals that can be made, phone call lists, etc. Its crazy. I'm such a planner, such a perfectionist. I'm hoping some typing will be theraputic!

I guess it's hard to not be anxious about tomorrow. I hope I can get enough sleep tonight and feel rested in the morning. It's totally wierd not knowing if I'll need a c-section. I dread that thought. I worry that Doug will get tired and bored at the hospital with me. I think about all the people who are wanting to come up to the hospital. I want folks to come, but I keep trying to make sure all the right people were invited, I feel I need to make a plan so everyone has equal baby holding time and no one gets offended. But yet I want Doug and I to have our own time in the hospital and when we first get home. I'm trying to figure out what to pack in my bag and make sure that when I come home I come into a clean house. ----Just so many things to think about.

I don't think I've fully grasped the concept that a litte baby is coming into our home - a human, a soul. A little body I'm responsible for meeting each need. She has a little soul - a soul I need to teach and shepherd so that she knows Jesus. That is the scariest responsiblity. It's hard to imagine what life will be like with her. It's something I've never done and impossible to picture. As much as I wanted a baby for years and as much as I know about children, it's weird how many insecurities I have. Suddenly I have this overwhelming fear that maybe I don't have the slightest clue what to do with her. Maybe I'll bring her home, set her in the crib, and look at her like the biggest ignorant fool. Who knows?

It's hard to imagine what impact a child will have on our marriage. It's been just Doug and I for 5 years. We've fallen into our own pattern and we have a certain level of spontaneity. We love going out on dates and being wrapped up in each other. In a way, I don't want any of that to change. I love Doug so much, I hardly want to share him!

With my health, I lead a fairly quiet, sleepy life. I rest a bunch! It's hard to not wonder how drop dead tired and sick I'll feel keeping up with a child and waking up several times in the night.

It's also strange how attached I have grown to this belly. Audrey is physically a part of me. Each day her movements and growth just amaze me. How can anyone look at a pregnant woman or feel a baby kick and not know there is a God? I'm a walking testimony of his craftiness and love. I enjoy telling people all about God and His work in my life. It's amazing how a pregnant belly propels strangers to converse with me. People treat me so differently now. I remember thinking years back that I was surely never going to conceive. And I remember thinking surely I would not carry the baby to term. The life inside me is so excititng, so real, so blantantly screaming out to me that God is so awesome. Inspite of all the problems and sickness of pregnangy, I just feel like I could carry her a little longer! But, I'm sure Doug's anxious to have his pillows back at night and to not have to shave my legs for me. He'll be grateful I won't have as much time to keep up with ebay!. He hopefully won't need to rub my back as much and bend over and get all the things I always drop. But then again, we'll have to give up the stork parking spots at church and at the stores!!

In my last post I mentioned that I sing to Audrey each day. I thought maybe I'd share the song and a little history as to why I chose the song. I orignally heard the song about 8 years or so ago at a Fernando Ortega concert. He shared from his heart the agony of not being able to have children with his wife. After a long adoption process, he brought home a little baby girl, only to have her reclaimed by the birth mother a few days later. Through the painful journey, God gave him the words to an incredible song - "If You Were Mine." The pain in his voice was something I'll never forget. Through my struggle with infertility, I would occassionally hear the song he wrote on his CD and my heart completely understood the words and meaning of the song. I would often sing the song as a plea to God for a baby. When God did create this miracle child within me, I altered a few words to make it fit. I even have a third version ready to go for when Audrey is born. Grab a tissue 'cause here is the song:

When my heart is troubled and I am weighed down,
Then I like to think of how this lonesome world would be
If I could see your face or hold you in my arms,
If you were mine, if you were mine.
If you had a bad dream I would jump inside it,
And I would fight for you with all the strength that I could find.
I would lead you home by your tiny hand
If you were mine, if you were mine.
I would sing of love on the blackest night.
I would sing of God, and how His goodnes fills our lives.
I would sing to you 'til the morning light,
If you were mine, if you were mine.

My version changes it to "WHEN you are mine". For Audrey:

When my heart is troubled and I am weighed down,
Then I like to think of how this lonesome world will be
When I can see your face and hold you in my arms,
When you are mine, when you are mine.
If you have a bad dream I will jump inside it,
And I will fight for you with all the strength that I can find
I will lead you home by your tiny hand,
When you are mine, when you are mine.
I will sing of love on the blackest night
I will sing of God and how His goodness fills our lives.
I will sing to you 'til the morning light,
When you are mine, when you are mine.

When I see her little face and hold her in my arms the song changes again. "'CAUSE you are mine"

When my heart is troubled and I am weighed down
Then I like to think how this lonesome world has changed
'Cause I can see your face and hold you in my arms
'Cause you are mine, 'cause you are mine.
When you have a bad dream, I will jump inside it
And I will fight for you with all the strength that I can find
I will lead you home by your tiny hand
'Cause you are mine, 'cause you are mine.
I will sing of love on the blackest night
I will sing of God and how His goodness fills our lives.
I will sing to you 'til the morning light,
'Cause you are mine, 'cause you are mine.