We had recently made the announcement to everyone that I was going to be induced on Thursday, the 10. It looks now that those plans will need to be changed. One of the reasons we were inducing 2 weeks early (at 38 weeks) was to insure a small baby that would fit through my small pelvis. So for 9 months we have been attending classes, practicing breathing, and making preparations for a nice natural delivery. Yesterday I went to the doctor because I was having a few complications over the weekend. An ultrasound showed the baby to have an estimated weight of 7lbs 4oz at 36wk 5dy. Audrey has not moved down at all, causing the doctor to believe that she is already too big. Of course, if she is too big now, she'll be even bigger next Thursday. We were told that it appears that I stand less than a 15% chance of being able to deliver her normally or even with the help of forceps. So, my doctor gave us the option to forego even trying to deliver naturally and move straight to a scheduled C-section on the 11th, Friday.

Because of health problems, surgery is not a great option for me. It would be a long, hard, and painful recovery. With that in mind, trying to take care of an infant sounds pretty miserable. So now we need to weigh out the pros and cons of trying to have a vaginal delivery. If I go ahead with the induction, we run a risk of an all day labor with hours of pushing yeilding no baby and the decision to have an C-section. This would be the worst case senario seeing as major surgery would come on top of a worn out body. Recovery would be even rougher! However, we could opt to try the iduction with the hope that I defy the odds and deliver normally. If the c-section is inevitable and the baby just won't move down, hopefully I would have failure to progress during labor fairly early - before the real work and pain are involved. This way I will have felt that I gave it my best try and not be too exhausted to endure surgery.

We cannot make any defnite decision before next Tuesday, which is my next check-up, because we still stand the chance that the baby drops.

In any case, this was a huge shock to Doug and me yesterday. I was very disappointed and tearful. We hate that we have to make the decision. We both would have dealt with it better had we known all along that we needed a c-section or if we had been told for my safety and for the baby's we we need a c-section- no question about it. On the car ride over the doctor yesterday morning Doug and I were joking around that maybe the baby would be born or induced on that day considering the problems and labor symptoms I was having over the weekend. So to find out that we might need a c-section came as quite a blow to us. The whole thing if very anti-climactic for us, having prepared and worked toward a certain plan of attack.

The thought of a c-section is hard for me for so many reasons. I have had a few surgeries before and know very well how my body doesn't heal well. It's very painful and scary to face. I hate the thought that I won't be able to watch her being born. I've drempt of the moment for so long. Conceiving Audrey was such a miracle and carrying her to term seemed to defy so many odds. I want to witness this miracle child taking her first breath - fully aware of God's blessing and able to praise God with Doug over her arrival. I want to be the first one to hold her - I've prayed for her for years, sung her the same song every day this entire pregnancy. I want to nurse her right away, singing right there. I want to do this whole thing with Doug. He's been my partner single-handedly getting me through the struggle with infertility and with the rough pregnancy. I want this time for us so we can work together as a team witnessing together the joy, the miracle, the culmination of a 4 year prayer.

All this said, we are staying focused on the end result - a baby, a daughter, our Audrey. How she comes into the world does not negate the fact that she is a miracle and that she is loved by both Doug and me and by God. And in either case, the thought of being parents next weekend is joyfully overwhelming. God owes me nothing. Well, actually, I deserve so much junk for how wicked I am and so I am thankful He doesn't give me what I am entitled to. Instead, God has granted me copius blessings. His love for me is more than enough. How could I ever say thanks for the family he's given me, the opportunities, the endless supply of food, clothing, and shelter. He's given me Doug - heaven on earth. In him I find a way to know God more intimately. God's given me a marriage that I think somehow has to be better than anyone elses. I say that because somehow if my brain cannot grasp the magnitude of love we share and happiness, it's even harder to imagine other people having the same. And now, God has granted me a child. This child is so fabulous. This child is just a spilling out of God's graciousness to me. She is the answer to so much prayer, the result of wrestling and pouring out to God in solitude my heart. She is a picture of God's grace to me. Audrey is the proof I didn't deserve that God hears us, longs for us, that He rejoices when we rejoice and weeps when we weep. I would have loved God and known His mercy towards me had He continued my infertility. However, I am thrilled at the thought that my daughter will everday be a reminder to me of the road God me took down to know Him more intimately. God is so good. How can I put it any other way?

If you could, Doug and I would appreciate your prayers in this situation. We have a big decision to make. Please pray that we do not worry and that the end result is a healthy little girl!