Hello, everyone! Those of you who have been to this site before are probably wondering what's going on. "What gives," you ask. "Where's all that compelling content that used to be here? And that oh-so-schmoove design that used to grace the internet. Is it gone forever?"

Well, here's the deal: I've finally abandoned CityDesk and jumped into Community Server. It's been a long time coming, but I've finally taken the plunge and have gone to a real blogging platform. There are lots of reasons that I decided to do this, not the least of which is being able to use Windows Live Writer to edit blog posts. Creating a blog post with CityDesk was at least a 4 step process. Not so with Live Writer. Just fire it up, write, and publish! hopefully Bec will be able to post more easily this way.

Geek Note: To get our blog to show up automatically when you enter www.dougandbec.net in your browser, I'm using Timothy Humphrey's subdomain module for Community Server. It's pretty handy, but requests for just dougandbec.net are still going directly to the community server homepage rather than the blog homepage. Oh well. Maybe I'll figure that out soon.

Anyway, in the next couple of weeks, I'll try to get all the old content ported over to the new Community Server blog. Here's to hoping that it doesn't take another year to get to it!

"t's like this: When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child does. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now.
- 1 Corinthians 13:11-12, New Living Translation

There are really no words to describe what happened here today. All week I've quietly wrestled with grandpa Berry's homegoing, and even now my heart seems kinda neutral...just kinda left hanging.

Last week, when we got in the car to drive to Nashville, my mind was racing about what it would be like to see grandpa Berry die. I had never seen anyone die, and the thought was rather disturbing to me, to be truthful. Along with that disturbance, I quietly hoped that when he slipped away from this life, he would tell us goodbye, and that his eyes would glow with the beauty of heaven and his God. I had even hoped that he would be able to tell us what he was seeing as he stepped into heaven.

Things did not go like any of us had hoped. We had all hoped that he would find quick relief from his suffering. Even a week ago, it seemed the cancer could take his life at any second. But he lived for more than a week after they said he had hours. Each day brought steady decline in his ability to interact with us. Yesterday, he lost almost all ability to respond to us. This morning, his breathing became extremely heavy and quick, and it stayed that way until he passed away at 1:35.

When Grandpa died, he could not say goodbye. He could not tell us what beauty he saw. His eyes weren't glowing with the beauty of heaven. He simply stopped breathing. And when he breathed his last, he saw his first glimpse of Jesus in all his glory!

Bec, her mother and I were talking later on this evening about how we all felt now that he has gone on to heaven. I know this sounds weird, and I feel strange even writing this, but in a way, I envy him. I envy him because of the verse I quoted at the beginning of this post. I envy him because his view is no longer clouded. His vision is not dimmed. He doesn't have to look at things through dirty glasses. Not at all. Now, he is experiencing and knowing Jesus just like Jesus has known me since before I was born. His faith is finished. Now he worships by sight!

All in all, the experience here was joyful, with a moments of sadness intermingled. I definitely came to understand personally the meaning of Ecclesiastes 7:2:

It is better to go to the house of weeping, than to go to the house of feasting; because that is the end of every man, and the living will take it to their hearts.

I will leave here with a new perspective on life. In watching Grandpa Berry die with such great faith, I have begun to understand more clearly how I ought to live: full on for the glory of God!

This has been the most unusual weekend.  There was no way I could've prepared myself  for this.  There is no way to describe it and probably no way I will ever have the opportunity to experience this again.  It's so weird to be a part of such a sad and yet joyful experience.  Another odd thing is that my whole family is doing this together - collectively sharing emotions but also each person examining their hearts very pensively and trying to steal private last moments with Grandpa. Outside of Grandpa's bedroom we play cards, laugh, and catch up on each others' lives.  In the bedroom, there's crying, singing, praying, and talk of God's care and preparation of a home for us in heaven.  It's hard to imagine life without Grandpa, but it's exciting to send him on to a better place and to send off the most deserving man first in order to save and ready a place for all of us!

I suppose what makes my Grandpa most incredible is his relationship with God.  God is so real to him, such a burning passion for Him.  He's lived his life  always trying to tell others about God and always helping others.  He is so keenly aware of God's sovereign hand and God's rich blessing granted to undeserving children.  Grandpa has been an amazing husband to my Grandma and an amazing father to his children.  Last night I was sharing with Grandpa the words of the song I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me, a song  making conjectures as to what heaven might be like.  So I told Grandpa that I couldn't imagine what heaven was going to be like and I hadn't given it too much thought what I'd do once I got there.  So I asked Grandpa what he had imagined.  I suggested that God might makes his legs strong and that Grandpa would be able to run as he used to do years ago in marathons.  I offered the suggestion that perhaps Grandpa would just sing and sing and sing as he's done in church for years.  Grandpa closed his eyes and got a rather pleasant expression on his face and let out a joyful "Ohhhh!"  So I asked him, " Did you say that because your 'e thinking about what heaven will be like and what you'll do?"  He responded with a hearty, "Oh Yes!"  If only I could have seen the images and thoughts in his head at that moment.  But then again, I had so many tears, I don't suppose I could see clearly. 

MY CRAPPA
My Grandpa is tenderly called by me as "Crappa."  When I was very young, I couldn't pronounce grandpa correctly and this attempt has somehow stuck through the years.  The impact he's had on my life began probably before I was born when he would pray for me.  All my life, my grandparents have prayed for me.  The other night when Grandpa was having a moment of clear thinking I spent some time laying in his bed and talking with him.  I thanked him for taking such a vested interest in my life and for praying for me so often.  He recalled praying for me when I was very young to know Christ and find a godly husband.  Grandpa told me he was so glad that I had such a great husband that took such good care of me.  Can I tell you what that means to me?  Lying there was one of the men I most admire reaffirming to me as he has done numerous times, that I had chosen a godly husband.  I love seeing my family loving my husband and treating my husband as if he were flesh and blood.  So, together we praised God for answering those prayers and we praised God for answering our prayers for a baby.  He spoke of my big belly and was just so grateful to God for His hand in my life.  Grandpa was so joyful for blessings God had given me at a time when he could've been focused on his own condition and pain.  But you see, that's just another awesome thing about my Grandpa. 

This weekend has held some fairly amazing events.  When grandpa seems at his worst, the family gathers around the bed and sings hymns.  Every time, without fail, the coloring changes and his hands go from purple to pink.  Sometimes he's able to sing along and it's so precious.  This afternoon, too weak to open his eyes, he participated in singing Happy Birthday to my brother today.  Of course, it's so sweet to watch my grandparents together.  It brings me to tears every time.  The kissing, snuggling, reaching out for, praying together, and cuddling - who can keep the tears in.  Just moments ago, I snuck in their room and took a picture of the two of them cuddled up in an embrace sound asleep.

Grandma, my hero
My grandma is also more than amazing.   She is my hero.  So many times I have found myself quickly praying the one line, "God, make me just like Grandma."  She is so devoted, so upbeat, encouraging, sweet, positive, giving, and reliant on God.  As a married woman, my heart aches for her.  Grandpa has the hope of an immediate future with God.  With every breath Grandpa takes, Grandma moves closer into a life of what would seem to me as loneliness.  All she has ever really known is how to be with Grandpa.  How scary to be without him.  But she doesn't mope about it, doesn't worry - instead, it's one more chance for her to trust God's sovereign hand.  It just gives her more to talk about with God.  I just wish I could explain her grace and her spirit as she moves about this house.  One moment she's praying, then singing, then helping prepare meals for everyone, cleaning, asking me about my life and how God's working in my life, and then she's off again holding Grandpa, consoling him, patiently trying to get him to swallow a pill and rolling him over in the bed.  And of course, at any time she's ready for some nurse or delivery man or even a hospice chaplain to come in the door so she can witness.  What an amazing woman.

How do I describe what's going on here? I've never experienced anything like this.

Bec and I are in Nasvhille this weekend. As I type this entry, Bec's Grandpa is literally moments away from death. The cancer that was discovered nearly two years ago has finally taken its toll on his body. Mostly incoherent, he lies on his deathbed ready to breathe his last.

As sad as this moment could be, there's something strangely comforting about his death. Grandpa is a believer. He knows the one true God. And as he steps further and further away from this life, he gets closer and closer to Jesus. Grandpa shows no fear in his death. His family (there are about thirty of us here) senses no despair. Everyone present knows where he's going. We all know that Jesus is coming to take him to His throne.

Much of the time is passed with singing. Hymn after hymn reminds him (and us) that our God is a good God, and that He is true to his promises. At times, the gathering seems more like a party than a funeral.

Oh, death, where is your sting? Oh, grave, where is your victory?
-1 Cor 15:55

Jesus has taken them both away, and that is obvious to anyone here.

I wrote a few weeks ago about grandpa dying, and I wondered what my death experience would be like. Now, the question is even more poignant. How will I handle death? I hope that it is with the faith and assurance that grandpa is showing. And I hope my family is there around me to sing me into heaven!

It is better to go to the house of weeping, than to go to the house of feasting; because that is the end of every man, and the living will take it to their hearts.
Ecclesiastes 7:2

I know this web site was Doug's idea and all, but c'mon can't a girl have some fun too?  After all, what's mine is his and what's his is mine.  That makes this site mine also, and with that in mind, I'd like to share my two cents.  It maybe more like twenty cents when I'm finished, but shoot, it's my site too!!  I hope everyone has fun reading and hearing about our awesome news.  I'm anxious to see who stumbles upon the news here on the site and doesn't hear it personally from us first. 

I'm so stoked about telling everyone, but I must admit going to church on Sunday will be weird and somewhat exhausting - "Hi, we're pregnant."  "How are you?  We're expecting!" Hey, we're having a baby!"  Times that by a hundred and imagine what a day Sunday will be. 

It just doesn't seem real that I'll be telling people this.  I've dreamed about this day, literally since I was probably 5 years old, but it's all too surreal. In my 14th week, I still can't believe I get to do this.  Every puke, each new pair of pants that don't fit, and each time I sadly ponder my new-found distaste of coffee, I praise God for these reminders of the life He's created in me. And I guess that's just what I want to tell you about.  How God took me down this very surreal path.

THE PATH
Due to the nature of my infertility problems, my fertility doctor was very doubtful that we'd ever conceive.  He gave us a plan, but my odds of succeeding were next to nil.  We saw Dr.Doody in October and his best suggestion was to try the injectables without holding our breath, and start thinking of adoption.  In the same appointment, he said there was a greater than 85% chance I need a hysterectomy before I'm thirty-five, maybe even thirty.  That sounded so absurd to me.  I felt time was ticking away.  I felt that God obviously was trying to show me that He had different plans for us. 

While I waited for the drugs to arrive from London, I did some serious soul searching and communing with God.  And God did such a work in me. He kept bringing to my mind two songs, and as time progressed, I could see how these songs would define the path He was leading me down. 

For so long, I had be pleading with God to show me what to do, how to spend my money on these fertility treatments, and for a glimpse of my life twenty years down the road.  And when I didn't receive immediate answers, I started pleading for a miracle, begging Him for proof of His work in my life. Boy, did I ever find out how shifty my faith was!  He reminded me of all the work He's done in my life and all His provisions.  He let me see the amazing husband He gave to me.  I saw the godly heritage I was privileged to possess.  I saw the benefits of being saved at a young age.  He'd granted me safety, a home, and a church.  He'd surrounded me with love and miracles for twenty five years, but I had explained it all away. The mere fact that He'd saved me was the greatest miracle in the world.  How dare I ask Him for more? 

And, for so long, I was afraid of my potential feelings if He ever closed the door for us to have kids.  I thought if I had those feelings, admitted then, my weakness would be revealed.  I thought, surely, then, God wouldn't grant a weak woman children.  So I kept trying to self-help myself into stronger faith.  What a goofball I am.  My faith isn't about me.  I fell, broken before Him.  I wanted to serve and love God with a willing spirit.  I admitted to Him my divided heart, my fear, and my desire to be a whole-hearted woman after His heart.  I asked God to circumcise my heart to love Him with all my heart and strength, and mind. He knew I had a divided, wicked heart.  He knew before I told Him.  He didn't send lightning on my head, but I do think He wrapped His arms around me and helped me get a clearer view of where I was.  

So I found myself standing on grace, just where I had been the whole time, but this time I wasn't requiring a miracle - a miracle I thought I needed to strengthen my faith.  It wasn't about me anymore.  My sufficiency is in Him, not in being a mom, not in being a wife,and not in being able to work out my own faith in a three step program I created.  The only thing I asked of God then, was for Him to increase my faith - faith that gave me patience to wait when everything was so unclear.  I stopped asking to know the future.  Instead, I wanted to stand firm, listening to His voice, knowing He was near, and trying to learn to love the dreams that He had dreamed for me - even if that meant no children. 

Now, I think I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking that I'll tell you that after I came to that realization, God allowed me to get pregnant.  But don't jump the gun just yet.  This is the really awesome part of the story.  I was unknowingly pregnant for several weeks while he took me down this path!  Just when I came to that point of not needing God to show me seas parting or watering turning to wine, He took what I thought was a barren woman and created life in me.  And He didn't just create life in a pale or simple way.  He allowed me to get pregnant in the one month out of 30 that we hadn't tried  or used medication. 

What an amazing God I have!!!  That path He took me down was surreal.  That miracle that I wanted that I thought would strengthen my faith - He granted it to me anyway, when I was so undeserving.  I think He did it just to show me He is God.  My awe for Him increased.  Truly, He does know our best!