How can I explain?
All week, we've talked with Audrey about Christ's death and resurrection. Not that we don't usually, because it's a theme in our house. But this week, we wanted to build proper anticipation of Easter. In a week that seems like it's more about a new dress, egg hunts, bunnies, and chocolate, I wanted Audrey to grasp the real meaning of the week. I hoped the inundation of the stories through church and home, would take deeper root in her heart. I had hoped and prayed that somehow, even if it were just from the extra emotion in our voices, this past week would move her.

We did the resurrection eggs at our house. I'm a big fan of those. I used them when I taught school, before Audrey was born. Audrey was so stoked each day to see what piece of the story lay hidden in each egg. She can tell the story with amazing detail- the disciples, the last supper, Judas's betrayal, Jesus' prayer in the garden, His trial, death, resurrection, the stone, etc. But today, during school, I just kept trying to impart to her the fathomless love of our Lord. I just kept describing this LOVE and all it's practical meanings and about the tremendous implications it makes in our lives. But I felt so inadequate, so far from where I should be in my own walk with Christ, and so feeble to properly explain the love of Christ! But yet, I wanted to see her response to this love. I wanted her to know that we are not asked to respond to an emotional story. We are commanded to obey in scripture - to turn from our sin and obey.

Obviously, I cannot force such a decision upon her. And I know, that at 4, she is probably not mature enough to understand and respond to this call of obedience. But I want this fathomless love to be a theme in her life. I want her to see God in Doug and I. And I want her to make this critical decision while she is young and avoid a life of despair. I want her to enjoy the fellowship with Christ as soon as possible - to give Him glory now. But I must be patient. And I must be consistent. At times, my mind strays to a fear that she might not deny herself, take up her cross, and follow Him. It can literally make my stomach churn just at the thought. But again, I need to turn those fears into a resolute dependence on God for this work in her heart. I must work so hard to teach her and train her. What a weight upon me to train her up in the way she must go so that when she is old, she will not depart from it!

Oh dear Father - help me! Let not one opportunity to show her who you are escape from me. No matter how difficult, no matter how tired I am, no matter what, I want to display an accurate picture of you. Help me appeal to her conscience. Use me to convict her of sin. Use me to show her how to deny herself, take up her cross, and follow you. Help me explain your holiness and her sinfulness. Help me explain your grace. Help me obey you more. Help me to be salt and light. I do love her and it's hard to imagine that you love her even more.......

THIS FATHOMLESS LOVE

Lord, what moved Your heart to love lowly man
Before any star could herald Your praise?
And why did You come, abasing Yourself
Veiled in a robe of frail human clay?
Why would You, the pure, give Your life for the vile
The innocent seeking the guilty
To be reconciled?
I can’t comprehend this fathomless love
I’m gripped and amazed at what You have done
Why would the adored become the despised
To bear all the furious wrath that was mine?
How awesome this mystery
Of Your fathomless love for me
Why would You adopt and take as Your own
Those who had crushed Your one precious Son?
Why mercy and grace towards Your enemies?
Your name they have cursed and Your throne they have shunned
Oh, how could You choose to show kindness to these?
The ones who would mock You and hate You
The ones just like me?

Today will be busy. I'm headed to Chattanooga for a bridal shower. My cousin, Andrew is getting married. So, the girls are having a shindig for Jessica. It'll be a good time and I'm looking forward to it. We'll be spending the night and coming home Saturday afternoon.

No matter how busy the day is, I want my mind to be focused on what today is. Good Friday. It seems our sinful world with its improper priorities has no longer deemed this day a holy day. Doug has to work in fact. But regardless, I want my focus to be on the hope I have because God sent His Son to die for me. In my sin, I was without hope and on a path to hell to serve the sentence I deserve. But because God loved me, He offered me Life! He took my place and redeemed my life with His. He took all the wrath that I so rightfully deserved, and sacrificed His life for mine. And because He is almighty, He came back to life. I do not love or serve a powerless, dead man. I serve a Savior who prepares a place for me and sent His Spirit to dwell and live with me. Because of His atoning grace, I want my life to be one that dies to myself and my desires, and gladly obey Him!

THE LOOK

I saw one hanging on a tree
In agony and blood
Who fixed his loving eyes on me
As near his cross I stood
And never till my dying breath
Will I forget that look
It seemed to charge me with his death
Though not a word he spoke
My conscience felt and owned the guilt
And plunged me in despair
I saw my sins his blood had spilt
And helped to nail him there
But with a second look he said
“I freely all forgive
This blood is for your ransom paid
I died that you might live”
Forever etched upon my mind
Is the look of Him who died
The Lamb I crucified
And now my life will sing the praise
Of pure atoning grace
That looked on me and
Gladly took my place
Thus while his death my sin displays
For all the world to view
Such is the mystery of grace
It seals my pardon too
With pleasing grief and mournful joy
My spirit now is filled
That I should such a life destroy
Yet live by Him I killed

Sovereign Grace Music
Not sure who really reads our blogs.....but, for those of you who are interested - and even for those not interested- (ha ha), you must read the lyrics to some music I'll be posting here and there. Not only should you read the lyrics, but you should buy some music off of Sovereign Grace Ministries online store. Until the end of March, CDs are only $6 and free shipping. You can't beat that with a stick. It's especially good when you consider the richness of the words in the music. The songs are jammed with theology. Good stuff.

Last month Doug and I ordered many CDs and since then, I have been listening to music incessantly. Through the years I've been very encouraged by certain music. Often when I'm tempted to worry, discouragement, or loneliness, I listen to music and SING. I'm not the world's greatest singer. I can read music and carry a tune. But for those of you who know Doug and I, we're always singing & always listening to music. I love to teach Audrey songs and we enjoy singing together in the evenings as a family while Doug plays the guitar.

A DEBTOR TO MERCY

A debtor to mercy alone
Of covenant mercy I sing
I come with Your righteousness on
My humble offering to bring
The judgments of Your holy law
With me can have nothing to do
My Savior’s obedience and blood
Hide all my transgressions
From view
The work which Your goodness began
The arm of Your strength will complete
Your promise is yes and amen
And never was forfeited yet
The future or things that are now
No power below or above
Can make You Your purpose forego
Or sever my soul from Your love
My name from the palms of Your hands
Eternity will not erase
Impressed on Your heart it remains
In marks of indelible grace
Yes I, to the end will endure
Until I bow down at Your throne
Forever and always secure
Forever and always secure
Forever and always secure
A debtor to mercy alone

A Belated Summary of our Trip

Since Audrey's and my trip to Vermont, sickness has plagued this house!! I had wanted to put up a post telling of our adventures in snowy Vermont, but time and energy haven't allowed it. Of course, I'm not sure how many people really even read our blog, so maybe no one has been chomping at the bit in anticipation of my update.

Vermont was great. Audrey loved being with her cousins just as I suspected she would. She was constantly torn between running around with Mercy and Silas or stopping to be the helper with the babies. It was such a dilemma for her - to be a kid or to be a little mommy! Audrey's only dislike of the experience was being away from her Daddy. She was especially concerned about her daddy when we called home to check on Doug and found him to be quite sick. This was just so disconcerting for her. But, we called him several times a day, sent him a card, and prayed for him every day!

Audrey did well during the long travel time in the van. She kept busy with DVDs, school work, books, games, her LeapPad book, and her favorite - SNACKS! She rested when I told her to and was overall, an obedient, pleasant child! Audrey really enjoyed playing in the snow. In fact, the new environment coupled with a well-loved cousin as a playmate, brought out a different side of Audrey. Usually Audrey is reserved and fearful of physical tasks. But she threw all caution to the wind and leapt, bounded, and burrowed through the snow, undeterred by tall snow mounds, wet feet, and boots that fell off! I was really proud of her eagerness to try something new!

It was so nice to see Craig and Tiffany. We didn't get nice long opportunities to talk, which bummed me out. Obviously, with 2 babies needing to be nursed every few hours, getting up in the night, Craig's work at the church, and our desire to help Craig and Tiffany with housework, I didn't get the privilege of long hours of talking. But it was so nice to finally see their house and their church. It's good for Audrey too. It's hard for a 4 year old to picture the life of her family that live so far away.

March Madness
Ever wonder where this popular term comes from? Me too. Nonetheless, it seems to describe our month of March. Or at least it describes my current chaotic state of mind! We've had church activities, school, more sickness, overtime at the office for Doug, get-togethers, financial concerns, etc. And despite all of the flittin' about here and there to keep up with our schedule, routine daily activities of a wife still go on. No matter how busy I get, my beloved golden retriever still keeps shedding making me need to vacuum! Spring weather reminds me that grass will soon need to be mowed. Meals still need to be cooked if we're going to eat. And imagine - I have to buy that food I'm going to cook!!

I've seemed to maintain these regular chores for almost 10 years now with relatively little trouble and relatively much enjoyment! And yet, this past week, you'd think I was new to the whole situation. I mean how in the world can Doug come home from work and it suddenly dawn on me that we're going to have to eat dinner soon? And then the thought comes, that maybe I've forgotten to purchase food for my family so that I then may cook. I let wet laundry sit in the washing machine for almost 3 days before I remembered the usual rhythm of laundry - sort, wash, dry, fold. I somehow got stuck on step number 2. I even forgot to bathe Audrey for a week.

Praise the Lord for a husband who'd much rather come home to fur-filled carpets, no clean socks in his drawer, dishes piled in the sink, Audrey and I still in PJs, and cornflakes for dinner, as long as there was a smile on my face!!! I could have a spotless house, professional make-up applied, an immaculately groomed lawn, a gourmet meal placed on the table complete with crisp linen napkins, and Audrey having learned to speak French that day -- but if I was stressed, had a headache, or a hint of tears, Doug wouldn't be able to enjoy one minute of it. I'm so thankful that a haven for him doesn't require a certain level of cleanliness, only a certain level of sanity for his wife!! He's a good man. In fact, I know no better man.

A call for ministry
The last few weeks, Doug and I have felt the urgency to be more involved with the church, the body. We've spent a great deal of time talking about the various ministries at our church that require more hands to do the work. We've mentioned nearly every family in our church as folks we'd like to have over for dinner. We feel like with being so far away from the church and with my health we are so limited. And yet we have been praying for God to help us accomplish some things that we otherwise feel are too stressful or to unlikely to accomplish. We want to be used by God and we want to be more willing, more generous, more mindful of the needs of others, more able to meet those needs.

Along with this desire to be more willing and assertive to meet the needs of those around us, we've ask God to make us more dependent on Him. So often I feel weak and unable to accomplish responsibilities at church and home.  Doug and I have prayerfully begged God to mature us, make us more trusting of Him, and to make us more willing to stretch ourselves a little more than we think we can in order to help others. I want to put my hope in the fact that when I am weak He will make me strong. I want to trust God that if I am willing to reach my hand out to others, no matter how tired and frail these hands may be, that God will cause my hand to reach much farther than I think possible.

Summary of December and Christmas
This Christmas (like all, I guess) was a smidge hectic. Doug and I went away Dec 10-14. For those first two weeks of Dec, Audrey and I were pretty sick. In fact, when I left for our trip, I had a fever and a white throat. And I left Audrey with Mom and Dad with her having a bad cough and a bag full of meds! When we got back from our trip, we had a week to finish up shopping and get various gifts in the mail, get our holiday baking done, do school, and pack up for heading to GA. We left for Atlanta on the 21 (Friday).  Christmas was good with Doug's family. And we even got to see the Holtons one evening!  I was stricken with some type of stomach bug and spent all  Christmas day in bed.

We left GA on Thursday night, the 27th, and didn’t get home until about midnight.  Friday the 28th, we woke up and gave Audrey her gifts from us. Then mom and dad came over for brunch and we exchanged gifts with them. Mom and dad helped up straighten up a bit and took Audrey to their house so Doug and I could get ready and race to Chattanooga for a wedding.  It was storming and took us about 2 ½ hrs to get there. We got back at about midnight, but I couldn’t head to bed. I had to unpack our stuff from being in GA and repack a night’s worth of clothes for the next morning. Saturday the 29th, we got up, picked up Audrey from mom and dad’s and got on the road headed for Lexington, KY to meet Mike and Jeanelle and their baby Sadie. Again, my stomach wasn’t right and we had to stop every 20-30 minutes. When we were about 30 miles from Lexington our radiator on our  van died. We pulled off immediately in a cloud of smoke! It was very nerve racking because I was sick and we had to think really quickly about what to do.

On a side note, for those of you who know Doug, you'll appreciate this! Doug, bless his heart, was gifted with many talents and works very hard at being godly. He doesn't know squat about cars. I'm ok with that. He's a good back rubber, and to me, that's more important! Anyway, so the van....Doug quickly merges across all lanes, and immediatley stops our smoke bomb, I'm mean VAN. So we're on the side of the freeway with cars whizzing by us. And Doug pops the hood of the van. After about two seconds, his face appears from behind the hood, with this totally, classic Doug look. His arms bent up, palms facing up. Once side of his face is all twisted up as if to say, "really, me? as if I'm going to know what the problem is!" So he pushed the hood back down, hops in the van and looks at me, with a smirk and says "ok, so really all I've established is the engine is not in a raging fire!" And away he goes off to the next exit to find some help!!!

AAA came and towed the van. The tow truck cab couldn’t fit us all, especially with Audrey’s car seat. So, we grabbed a bag of toys for Audrey, a few odds and ends, and her car seat and walked in the freezing cold with all our junk, me sick, to a Waffle House. We called Mike, who was 20 miles on the other side of Lexington. We waited for him to get to the hotel, unload Jeanelle and the baby and a good portion of their stuff. They’d been traveling for 2 weeks with a new baby to 3 families over Christmas. Their car was packed to the hilt with luggage and gifts and couldn’t fit us. So Mike did the best he could to unload and get his family checked into a big suite we were all supposed to share at some Hilton hotel. The hotel had messed up the room and it took a while for Mike to get it straightened out. Meanwhile, we’re still waiting in Waffle House with me in tears, and Jeff Foxworthy playing over and over on the juke box!!!  Mike eventually came. He drove us to the mechanics where we got things out of our van that we needed, but we could only travel with what fit on our lap. We headed back to the hotel. At the hotel, we had to make a ton of calls. Because it was a holiday weekend, most mechanics were closed and most of their part suppliers were closed. We stayed with Mike and Jeanelle in the hotel unable for us all to go out, b/c we couldn’t fit 4 adults and 2 car seats in their car.

When it came time for them to leave, we stayed. We were nervous if we could afford the room, but we appealed to the hotel employees’ consciences and told them our story. They allowed us to stay on at a discounted rate. We scoured lots of food off the morning breakfast buffet so that we’d have lunch and not need to order meals in. The hotel also let us stay until 6 pm (7 hours after checkout) for no charge! The mechanic had a radiator that was a couple hundred dollars more expensive than one he could order for us. But ordering a cheap one meant staying on at the hotel for another day or two. Staying on meant more hotel costs and meal costs. And, Doug was missing work. So, we took the expensive radiator and then got a taxi to take us 30 miles back to where the van was.

All in all, it worked out and God took care of us. Things could have been much worse. Audrey thought the whole thing was so fun – hotels, taxi, waiting on the side of the road, sitting at a waffle house listening to the juke box, getting free hot chocolate from a sympathetic waitress, etc. In fact, while waiting at the Waffle House she actually thanked Doug and I for all the fun and said it was the greatest day ever! It’s all in the perspective!!!

Moving on
Christmas came and went. Another year begins.....Already, in 1 month, many memorable events have marked this time in our lives as one that cannot be forgotten. Lets start on the good things!

The Good!
My brother, Craig, and my sister-in-law, Tiffany, announced the arrival of their twins, Ruby Claire and Justus Brooks. They were born January 10. They look super cute and itty bitty - a site I've almost forgotten, now that my baby is 4 1/2! You can see pictures of them, details and comment by Craig on their website http://craigandtiff.blogspot.com/.

On occasion of their birth, Audrey and I will be traveling with my folks to go see them. We leave Friday morning the 1st and will be headed back to Knoxvegas on the 11th. We're excited! I'm relived that a very kind family in our church, the Butchers, have graciously let us borrow their portable DVD player and a DVD collection to help the 18 hour drive go a little faster!

My folk's house is coming along. It's been super exciting to see the progress first hand. Doug, Audrey and I enjoy seeing the transformation from week to week. You can see frequent updates on http://rogandlinda.blogspot.com/. It really is becoming more of a reality for everyone! It seems for so long, mom and dad have planned and dreamed (yes, that's very literal from their side - or maybe it's more having nightmares) of a place to settle down in and enjoy their retirement. It's also exciting from our perspective, because it means, Grandma and David will be living their too! I'm excited to have them closer on a permanent basis. And it's exciting because a new house, means a new meeting place for the holidays! I just LOVE holidays with all my siblings and nieces and nephews. There may just be framed-in rooms with no doors or flooring, by my mind's eye has seen the kids running around, the adults playing games really loudly, and all the dog's barking! 

Jeanelle and I have begun our new book. We're reading Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges. I love his books and always seem to learn new things. I really treasure the phone conversations I have with Jeanelle each week. We've spent most of our friendship over the last few years on the phone!

The Bad
We got a little behind on the adoption work. Doug's new computer went bonkers and during his all-day rebuild, the file containing our autobiography, was lost. So, it's back to the drawing board again. Hopefully, it will come back to us more quickly than it did during the first attempts.

My shoulder has been hurting an awful lot. I went to the doctor the other day to get some help. At best case scenario, it's just bursitis. I got an injection in my shoulder and some anti-inflammatory and pain medications and an order for physical therapy. The doctor is thinking it could be considerably worse, but we'll see when I get back from my trip. In any case, the medications they gave me didn't quite mix well with me and I spent a lovely time with my face very near the toilet, if you you know what I mean, and dizzy, fatigued, and yucky feeling.

The worst thing I struggle with of late, is recent news of my dad's cancer. He has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. It came as a bit of a shock to me. The prognosis is good and he will be having surgery on March 31.

Since he is feeling fine, we haven’t told Audrey anything. I think it’d just worry her and/or just not make sense to her seeing that he is feeling great, yet has some sickness. And the whole idea of cancer is just not something she can really grasp. Since mom and dad have been living a mile down the road this last year and a half, Audrey has really developed a strong bond with them. Doug and I too. My folks have always been super influential in Doug’s and my spiritual walk. This especially, makes our bond with them pretty tight! 

 It’s amazing to see their testimony through this. My dad just praises God’s sovereignty through the whole thing. It kinda came at a bad time as they are so involved with the house right now. Critical decisions are needing to be made. They should be moving in the first week of May,  so timing (by OUR standards!) doesn’t seem great. But God knows what is best.

I must be willing to allow, God to use my dad to show Himself to the world - yea, even be thankful for God's perfect plan. My dad’s longsuffering and meek spirit are a perfect instrument for God to show Himself mighty! Although, I’m not always totally jovial about the whole situation, I pray each day for a true picture of God’s sovereignty!! I work hard to remember that everything is perfectly in control! God's thoughts are far above my thoughts.

I might have a different view of cancer than most folks. You may remember (if you follow our blogs) my grandfather had cancer and spent his last several months in my parents home in Nashville to be taken care of until his last day. I saw cancer, very up close and personal. I laid next to him on the floor through the nights on a rotation with other family members to help him through the painful nights. And I was on the bed next to him as I watched him breathe his last breath and go on to be with Christ. Because of this experience,  cancer is a scary thought to me. There are moments I pray my dad’s story won’t resemble my grandfather’s in the slightest bit! And so far, it shouldn’t. But my dad will be the first to remind anyone, that if it does go down that road, the story has the happiest ending – we can count on it!!

The Ugly
I suppose the Ugly, would be my sin. Sin of not always trusting. I'm sure that everyone at times doesn't trust God completely. Oh, we give it another name....worry, frustration, anxiety, wishing you had something you don't have, complaining, etc. We all put our trust in ourselves at times. We think we know better. We all get sad, jealous, covet, and complain. We don't trust that what God has given us is best. We don't trust that our trials we're designed for our best!  

So when it comes to my dad, I can sorta force myself to think through the whole ordeal logically and rationally to ward off worry. But there is this sinful flesh business I still struggle to beat down! I've always dreaded the day the phone would ring and my parents would be relaying bad news of their health. Maybe it's the child-parent relationship, that despite being an adult, causes me to want my parents to always be around. A reality check does remind me that no matter how much I love them, they are not invincible! A reality check also shows me that I must work harder to not worry about this cancer.

Any new births, especially those within the family, seem to be a bit bitter-sweet for me. Although, I'm able to to rejoice in others' happiness, it serves as a sad reminder of the children we lack. I think in the midst of my excitement over a new niece, nephew, or BOTH, my mood is also more pensive. I wrestle with my flesh. Wrestling through sadness, and sometime even jealousy. Yes, I hate to admit it. It even makes me sick to think that I would be jealous over my own brother--as if it were some how worse to be jealous over someone I love so much! But it is a rough time. It makes Audrey think more about a sibling and causes her to ask me more questions. Questions with which have answers that I so struggle to dwell on. It's all about God's sovereignty and goodness. He has decided that I only have 1 child. His decision is best. I must be good with that!

My Focus
1Th 5:16  Rejoice always,
1Th 5:17  pray without ceasing,
1Th 5:18  give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Job 1:21  And he said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."
Job 1:22  In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.